I’ve been trying to work on becoming more humble lately. Everyone has talents, and one of mine just happens to be of the kind that is graded and put on paper. In Swedish, there is a term, läshuvud, which translates to “reading head” and basically means that someone has an easy time learning things from books and studying in the traditional school way. I definitely have that. The principal gave me a book in ninth grade for having the best marks in my year. I graduated high school with the highest grade in every course except one (and I took three courses more than I needed). At university, I haven’t always been on top of things, but I still have more A’s than B’s and any lower grades are really really rare.
But ever since my early teens, I’ve also developed this tendency to be quite up in people’s faces with it too. It’s like I always have to prove I’m the smartest in the room, not consciously, but I think that’s the way I come across. And I have no trouble admitting when I’m good at something. I’m also quite good at admitting that I’m bad at things, but since my special talent is studying and that’s the context where I’m in right now, I think this combination of me being a high achiever and very talkative leads to me coming across as braggy and quite insufferable, actually.
So my mission for the summer is to try to tone down this part of myself. Not that I’ll stop studying as much, that wouldn’t make sense, but I should just not talk as much and in a less competitive and authoritative way. I don’t need to show off all the time. Other people should be allowed to shine too.
But because of this mission of mine, I couldn’t tell anyone of the biggest news of my day yesterday. I got an A in my landscape ecology course. That means that, unless I get a C or worse for my final research proposal (which I probably won’t, since all drafts of the proposals got A’s), I managed to get an A on both courses that I took while studying 200 percent. I’m a mess and most of my relationships suffered from it and I can’t remember when my self-confidence has been worse than it is now, but at least it won’t stand in my way in a future competitive job application situation. I might be egocentric and moody and controlling and very insensitive at times, but at least my läshuvud is still going strong.
I just needed to get this out there. To be a little bit proud of myself. It hasn’t happened too often lately.
Katja Malmborg 