if it wasn’t for you

I wrote the economics exam today. I sat there, feeling what’s the point. Really. What was I doing there. It could go either way, the exam. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had to redo it. If that happened, that would be my first re-exam. Ever. That would be just like me. To fail the last exam in my master’s program. I have a history of falling on the finish line.

I might also be getting a cold. I’ve been saying things I shouldn’t, hurting or offending. Not on purpose, but. That doesn’t make the feeling go away. I’ve been hiding underneath scarves and blankets today. Someone asked me if I had turned into a Bedouin. Some days, showing my face just feels way too naked. Revealing.

So, lying on my bed, trying to cure this cold before it hits, I started thinking about things that make me happy. As a way to not wallow too much, like. Things that I can do when I’m done being ill and out of sync.

Carrot juice I like. Starting a new knitting project. Cooking for people I love (even though I’d never dare tell them). Going to the dentist. Having someone touch my hair. Veronica Maggio’s latest album. Going to the library. When it’s snowing. Singing in the company of others, without them telling me to shut up. Dancing (even though I’m really crappy at it). Rice cakes with lots of butter on. Any kind of citrus fruit, really. When Hanna Hellquist and Kodjo Akolor are bantering on the radio in the mornings. Lina’s little sounds when she’s happy or excited about things, especially if the things involve me. Jessica’s excessive expressions of affection. Ashley’s concern (even though it annoys me sometimes too, because I simply don’t feel like I deserve it). Roweena’s accent. My huge, winter down blanket. Fazer chocolate. The Geoscience building, all the people there who smile and seem genuinely happy to see me, whenever I have the time to visit. “Don’t wait” by Mapei. If it wasn’t for you, I’d be alone. If it wasn’t for you, I’d have to hold my own.

That’s quite a list. And it isn’t in any way done. I just have to sleep. It’ll all be better tomorrow.