it’s too late to call now

It is odd, with time, and how things change and stay the same. How the weather can change your mood and people come into your life without you really noticing at first. And others leave, without saying goodbye.

That it’s possible to like someone, without really understanding them. That understanding someone doesn’t mean that you can stand them. That love and proximity isn’t always the most constructive combination.

That people leave marks in your life, little scars, like souvenirs – and that some of them are so much more sensitive than others. That I’m sitting here with a fresh wound, leaking with memories, that was left there more than four years ago. It doesn’t hurt, but rather, I’m sitting here watching things pour out of it, fascinated. I thought it was healed.

I saw Iron Man 3 at the theater with my brother tonight. On the way home, he started telling me about Silmarillion and it hit me. He just turned eleven. When I was eleven, I moved to Tanzania and had my first crush – both of which were experiences that would change my life forever. And he is there. That little baby who could cry all night through and who made up words for imaginary creatures. I wanted to hug him and cuddle him and sing lullabies for him, but we don’t do that anymore. After all, he is eleven years old.

And on the couch, when I got home, was my roommate, stretched out, watching Game of Thrones. To have someone to come home to. And not being able to stop talking until way after midnight, even though it’s an ordinary school day tomorrow, doesn’t that mean something? This tingling, not being able to go to bed just yet, having to write down these words first – the extraordinariess of it all.

I have trouble motivating myself to dive into the scientific articles I have to read. There are so many other trains of thought that cries for my attention, and they all make me feel so alive. Is it okay to fail? Can I say: I didn’t manage to finish my thesis, because I was busy feeling.

Of course I won’t. But the mere thought thrills me like you can’t imagine.