They are showing the first season of Girls on the Swedish public service TV channel this spring. I’ve already seen the entire season (parts in San Francisco, at Sarah’s with Shanley and Tallulah), but after every episode, there is a short program called the TV circle, where three of my favourite Swedish media personalities discuss the episode. I stream it after it’s been broadcast. Nour El-Refai, super comedian and actress, Linnea Wikblad, radio personality, and Johanna Koljonen, my pop culture guru. And they are so incredibly smart, and funny, and the show they’re discussing is such an honest thing. HBO is doing some really great stuff with TV these days. (Johanna Koljonen did the same thing with the first season of Game of Thrones last spring, when I was in Canada, I’m so bummed I missed that!)
Tonight, in the end of episode 3, Marnie comes home to Hannah dancing to Dancing on my own by Robyn in her room, and they turn it into a wee small hours dancing session. They’ve both had pretty tough nights, but they come home, and they dance, and there is that connection. Nour, Linnea and Johanna all love that scene. As do I.
And I realise: I have that. It is for real. Not just something that happens on TV. I have a person like that. No, actually, several. Persons that I might not be living with, but that I can call, send my odd texts to without them being weirded out, persons that I can ugly dance with. Persons that Get – – – Me.
It’s so easy to forget, sometimes, in all this chaos, in the exhausting search that is life. At times, I feel like it is a constant struggle for air and space. Now maybe more than usual, when things are going so well, tons of stuff happening, me feeling that I have to take advantage of the momentum and also not let all those people down. Among all that, the people that I have to prove myself to, I occasionally feel tiny and completely insignificant – and completely forget that there is a small group of very special people that know exactly what I’m worth, without me having to prove anything.
Despite all the stupid things I say and do, constantly, again and again, as if life has taught me nothing.
I had my 25th year birthday dinner last Friday. Among the eleven guests, six were at my 18th birthday party. Of those, three were at my 8th. You don’t get to keep friends like that if you don’t have something to give. I am amazing, because they are amazing.
It’s good to remember that, when all the other people in the world seem to be against you – or just seem to think that you are a little bit over the top. Because, like Hannah and Marnie, I don’t need to keep dancing on my own.
Katja Malmborg 